eonte~t
II
R E LA T ION S HIP EX PER T S A LAN DO W N S
&
JOE K 0 R T
MY BOYFRIEND KEEPS HITTING
ME. I STILL LOVE HIM. HOW
CAN I GET HIM TO CHANGE?
~
DEAR JOE
168
~--- I have been in a loving and long-term relationship
with my partner for the last five years. We signed
a civil partnership last year. Before we got married
I was having a few worries about the state of our
relationship but I thought that by taking this step
they might go away. My partner has always been
quite controlling, he goes through my phone, even
though I've never been unfaithful and he gets
cross when I socialise with people he doesn't like
- which seems to be most of my friends. One of
my friends wrote me an email telling me he didn't
like it when my partner yells at me - and it made
me realise that it was not healthy. At Christmas I
told him I didn't want him to shout at me anymore
and he hit me in the face. The next day he was
really sorry and begged me not to leave. I really
do love him so I stayed. Since then he has hit me
three more times. I've stopped seeing my friends
because I just feel so embarrassed and don't
know what to say to them. I really love him and
don't want us to break up but I can't go on like
this. Is there some way that I can get him to stop
doing this to me? Underneath it all, I know he is a
good man.
PET E,
C
A M B RID G E
I II U SIR A T I ] IJ D
f
R 11 01 1 l Y" •
DEAR PETE
My immediate advice to you is to first seek help for yourself. You
are in a very dangerous and potentially harmful relationship. There
is no therapy that you can get to help him. He has to get the help
himself. Do not even seek couple's therapy. You are in a domestic
abusive relationship in which couple's therapy is ineffective and
can actually make things worse and be destructive, causing him
to be even more harmful to you than he already is. Things are not
going to get better. They are only going to get worse, especially
without intervention.
There is never any reason for hitting a partner, ever! You say he is
a good person however I am not so sure. Did he get help for himself
for hitting you? Is he sorry enough to investigate what made him
hit you not just once, but several times? Does he feel embarrassed
for his own behaviour? If he is embarrassed and sorry, how long
does it last? A person who exhibits these behaviours is normally
so horrified they will do anything to never let something like this
happen again. I am guessing he blamed you each time he hit you, as
that is the typical pattern of domestic violence perpetrators. Even
though he says he is sorry, that is not enough and you should expect
much more than this. An apology is not enough.
• Your letter sounds like a classic example of domestic
violence. The classic traits of domestic violence are:
CONTROL
You state your partner has been controllingfrom the beginning. It sounds
like it has only gotten worse, which is expected. Going through your
phone without reason is a form of control and is violating.
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS THE MOST COMMON
FORM OF ABUSE
You may be telling yourself that in five years he has only physically struck you
afeta more times than once (although once is enougbl) but the psychological
abuse of controlling you and treating you as if you are hiding something is
psychological abuse. I actually think psychological abuse can be worse than
physical abuse in that psychological consequences are mostly invisible. He
yells at you which is verbal abuse and your friends are noticing. Your shame
is psychological abuse. You have nothing to be ashamed of - he does!
MISTREATMENT, LEAVING THE VICTIM WITH FEELINGS
OF ISOLATION, FEAR, AND GUILT
You are becoming isolated by not seeing your friends. This is what the
perpetrator of domestic violence wants so that he can have power and
control over you. By becoming cross about the people with whom you socialise
he demonstrates jealousy and this is an attempt to get you away from your
friends so that he can have more control and power over you.
THE PATTERN OF ABUSE INCLUDES
A
VICIOUS CYCLE
OF PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
You said he has hit you more than once. You have asked him to stop
and he doesn't. The pattern is the perpetrator hits, apologises and begs
for forgiveness and engages in controlling behaviour all over again.
These are all signs that you are in trouble! Ifyou don't seek help
immediately you will find yourself with worse consequences than
you are already in.
R E LA T ION S HIP
eonte*t
• Abused spouses say things such as you have said like:
HE IS
A
GOOD PERSON
A good person doesn't hit another and not suffer great pain about it and
get some help. A good person has a conscience and feels integrity
and remorse as well as empathy for the person they have harmed.
HE DOESN'T MEAN IT
Yes he does. He means every word and every hit. Perpetrators have a
beliefsystem that they have a right to what they want and from the
person
from whom they want it - at any cost.
I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO DESERVE IT
Never! Even
if
you were very provocative and said or did something
which caused him to be very angry and upset, it never deserves abuse.
As someone tolerating this abuse, you need to find out why you
are not only putting up with this, but why you are minimising and
denying the truth that is right in front of you, that even your
friends can see easily. After spending many years with someone
who is abusive it can whittle away at your self-esteem. The abused
starts to believe what the abuser is saying and doing to them.
Sometimes this is related to the abused partner's childhood and
how they were treated by their primary caretakers. Whatever
the reasons are that you believe you deserve this abuse, you don't!
A part of you knew that already, or you wouldn't have reached
out to me and asked for help.
Go to a therapist or a domestic violence shelter for some
counselling on how to best move forward. Ideally you start your
own therapy and your own healing and your partner sees this and
decides to get help. You can urge him to seek an evaluation from a
therapist and you can even go with him to his first appointment,
understanding that this is for him, not the two of you. You are there
only to report the issues and your side of how you experience him
so the therapist can have a full picture.
Once he gets the help he needs he should be able to have remorse
, and empathy towards you for what he has done. If this is not
forthcoming from his therapy, it means his going is a courtesy and a
ploy to stop you from complaining and just get past the latest abuse.
If he really is motivated for therapy he will go for at least a year
and will be able to share all the factors that went in to becoming an
abuser. He will be able to identify how to stop it and avoid it in the
future. If this doesn't occur, I strongly recommend that you leave
him. Never stay anywhere where you're abused.
BROKEN RAINBOW PROVIDES SERVICES, ADVICE AND SUPPORT
TO THE LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, GAY AND TRANSGENDER
COMMUNITY EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
SPECIALIST TRANSGENDER HEkPL[NE.
0300 999 5428
TUESDAVS lOAM - 5PM
'IflP@BROKEN-RAINBOIf.ORG.UK
BPOKEN-RATNBOW.ORG.UK
NATTONAL
24
HOUR DOMESTTC VIOLENCE HELPLINE:
0808 2000 247
*
DR JOE KORT IS A LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER AND
BOARD-CERT[FIED SEXOLOGIST. HE [S ALSO THE AUTHOR OF
10
SMART THINGS GAY HEN CAN Do TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES
JOEKOR' COM
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